Over-Apologizing: How to Break the Cycle

For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.